Reading Is Fundamental, and Essential For Good Health, or Something

Ohmigosh, Ohmigosh, Ohmigosh!

Here's one great thing I've discovered (or more accurately "remembered") about myself:

I love to read books!

I mean, I've always been a reader. I used to devour books.

Science fiction is my favorite ("space-shit" as my wife would call it). Asimov, Clark, Dick (shut up, that's his last name), Card, King, Scalzi, to name a few. I also like some authors of political intrigue and spy stuff. Tom Clancy was one of my earliest favorites. I remember reading "Red Storm Rising" and just being memorized by the storytelling. Flynn, Brown, Thor, Suarez to name a few others.

Oh, and Hamilton. Peter F. freakin-Hamilton. He's amazing. Sweeping space opera and epic, grand tales at their finest. I mean, big, long books. 600-700 page paperbacks. When I was a single father, I read his entire six-paperback series called The Reality Dysfunction (one my daughters is reading that series now!). Serious space drama. I remember laying awake late at night after the kids had gone to bed, reading sometimes until early morning, even when I had to be at work early the next day!

I searched the used book store, and found just about everything else Hamilton had written at the time and read those, too. Jeez, those were good times.

In the past few years, though, my reading has centered on theological, spiritual, or philosophical topics. All of which are important, and thoroughly enriching. I'm glad I read all the books I've read. But, they are not what I'd call "fun" reads.

Wright, Zahnd, Boyd, Yoder, Bell, Chan, Young, to name a few of the spiritual genre authors I've read. They are all good, edifying, galvanizing books, but not..... hmmm.... conducive to relaxation.

Entering retirement, I've been reminded of the wondrous relaxation provided by recreational reading.

Peter Hamilton is by far my absolute favorite sci-fi author. I tore through his latest two huge books, "Salvation" and "Salvation Lost", and now have to wait about eight months for the third and final entry "Saints of Salvation". Eight months!

I swear I could just cry! Wait.... I could cry? Of course I could cry!

Which kinda brings me to my point, with regards to what this journal is about.

Why did I stop reading for fun?

I mean, sure, there was the occasional recreational read, but it was always stop and start, dribs and drabs, reading a few pages when I could. I became notorious for starting a book, and not finishing it.

But I had the time to read, if I'd wanted to. Seriously.

If I added up all the hours I spent watching TV during my career.....

....I'm treading carefully here, because I really like TV....

....but if I added up all those TV hours, and took, say, twenty percent of those hours and devoted them to recreational reading, I could have probably read the complete works of Shakespeare, along with Homer's Odyssey, a couple of times. 

Not that I'm going to read Shakespeare or Homer. But I'm just sayin'.

If I did read Shakespeare or Homer, I'd probably have a larger vocabulary. But, that's what the internet is for. 

Oh, lord, don't even get me started on counting the hours spent on Facebook. Or Twitter. I'd be so embarrassed. 

Anyway, we all know (or at least those of us that grew up with ABC's Schoolhouse Rock) that reading is fundamental. I should never have let myself de-prioritize it in my life. 

And, as a cautionary tale, neither should you.

I honestly can't put my finger on a specific reason why I stopped something that I loved so much. 

Isn't that weird?  I think we all can think of something we used to enjoy, but somehow it just kinda foundered along the wayside of life. 

I think had I spent a little more time in recreational reading, in opening up the "theater of the mind" and letting myself enjoy the flights of fantasy that reading can bring, I might have dealt with some of the stress of life better. 

I know I feel better when I do something I really enjoy. Closing the last page on a book and sighing that contented sigh of a completed story is a joy I never get tired of. 

Turning off the Kindle after finishing a book is just not the same, but if that's how you roll, then you just roll on with your bad-self. I won't judge. 

Who am I kidding. Yes I will.  

Bottom line: don't forget the things that bring you joy. For me, today, I'm thinking about books. Some of you know I'm also thinking about singing, and about fishing. 

I go fishing, not catching. Just so ya know.

For some of you its crafty stuff. Scrap-bookings. Sewing. Bike riding. Photography. Painting. Drawing. Dance. Wood working. Hunting. Sports. Church activities. The list goes on. 

Whatever it is, don't neglect it. 

I know, we get busy with kids, family obligations, work, school, illnesses, and so on. I know I did. 

Don't neglect some small time for recreation. Don't neglect the things that you enjoy. Don't make plans to get back to that thing you enjoy later, because later always gets pushed back, and often later never arrives. 

I've discovered its not selfish to plan time for personal things that bring us joy. It's not greedy. We tell ourselves, or let others tell us, that it is selfish, but its not. 

It necessary for healthy living. 

The folks in the old days, with their quaint sayings and platitudes, sometimes got it right. 

All work and no play, makes anyone a dull boy or girl. 

So, go play a little, before you forget how to play, or what you liked to play with. 

I'm going to watch some YouTube videos and see if I can get some tips on fishing. 

Or maybe I should read a book on catching? 

Well, Here I Go....

"So.... Mike, what's retirement like?"

I hear that a lot, lately.

"What are you gonna do?"

"What are your plans?"

"What do you do with all that free time?"

"So, retirement must be awesome, right!?"

"Got your honey-do list done yet?" That one is usually followed by a knowing sort of insider's wink.

Uhm... actually no, I don't. Haven't even started yet. I'm kind of afraid to look at it.

I'm sort of afraid of all of this stuff. This "retirement". Its spooky. 

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After almost 30 years as a dispatcher with the Sacramento County Sheriff's Department, in California, I decided to retire as of January 9th, 2020.

To be honest, I was ready to lay it down.

Long years of doing essentially the same job day after day with evolving technology had taken its toll. Years of answering telephones, 911 and others, and some pretty hairy and traumatic incidents while working with the deputies over the radio, had a detrimental effect on my phyche.

I had become an emotionally fragile human being.

Before you roll your eyes, or make some other body language denoting disbelief, let me explain a little.

I don't deal with emotional trauma very well. Most of don't. Most of us never learn to what to do with the emotional baggage that accumulates over time, especially if there are a few severe traumatic events in our lives.

Everyone who works in law enforcement, be it on the phones or on the streets, have post traumatic stress. All of us. Its the nature of what we do. We experience trauma, which creates enormous stress on our psyche. You can't be in the profession and avoid it.

What we do with it, how we handle it, how we process it, how we heal from it, determines whether that post traumatic stress can become a disorder or not.

So, as to my story, I didn't handle all the stress very well. I tend to compartmentalize, and avoid thinking about the traumatic incidents that caused my stress. In the old days, they'd have said "I stuffed my emotions down deep where they can't get out, so I can keep on going".

In a nutshell, I am an emotional basket-case at times.

I cry when my wife and I watch Hallmark Movie romances.

Every.Single.Time.

I cry at beautiful music performed on TV talent shows, like The Voice or America's Got Talent.

Every. Single. Time.

I cry at movies I've seen dozens of times. My wife and I watched Titanic the other night.

Every. Single. Time. And for Titanic, a lot.

We keep a box of tissues on the table next to our chairs. I go through a lot of tissues.

Why do I cry Every. Single. Time.?

I like to think its because I'm starting to heal.

For me, "feeling the strong feelings", those powerful waves of emotions that can just overtake you, hurt a lot, because it felt like it was ripping me up inside. So much of my emotional life has been compartmentalized, and every time one of those walls was pushed on, it hurt!

So, I kinda became numb to it all. If your numb, nothing hurts, right? You don't feel the pain, or the grief, or the heartache. I got myself all insulated inside my nice compartmentalized emotional fort.

The problem is, I also stopped feeling the joys, and the happiness that life brings along with the hurts. Numbness kills it all; the joy, the hurt, the glee, the anger, the empathy, and yes, even the love for one another can be extinguished. I kinda stopped feeling all of it, at least for a while.

It was a safe place, if a bit lonely.

So, yeah....... I was ready to lay it down when I retired. Very ready.

I am tired of being that person in survival mode, keeping my emotional sanity at the sake of my emotional soul. So tired.



So.......back to the original question....

"What are you going to do with your retirement, Mike?"

Jeez, I don't know! I have ideas and thoughts and things I want to do, but those are all to be determined.

I do know one thing, for certain, that I want to accomplish in retirement.

I want to find myself again.

I want to rediscover who Mike Jones is.


Yes, "the real Mike Jones!"

That's what this journal is about. I hope you find it interesting, or helpful, or maybe occasionally funny. I hope to keep this up and take you with me, and maybe some of you can add insights or thoughts along the way. I look forward to that.