Did I Do This On Purpose?

January 9th, 2020. A date that will live in infamy.

Its been exactly two months today since I retired. It seems like longer, but its only been two months.

But its been a long two months.

I've tried to keep busy.

My wife and I took a cruise shortly after I retired.

My daughter came to visit for a week (which was just wonderful!).

I've gone to our cottage for a few days (it was rather cold, and I felt too isolated, but it was nice).

I've gone fishing a few times (not catching, as you may already know about me).

My wife and I went to Calistoga and soaked in the hot pools for a few days. (Yeah, I took one for the team on this one.) 

I've read a couple of books, which I talked about in my previous post.

I've joined the choir at church.

I attend a bible-study on Saturday mornings.

I do.... stuff.

I do.....things.

To honest, retirement has a lot more free-time to fill than I thought it would. (Yes I'm whining, but hear me out.)

Its really not a struggle to fill the time. I could fish, read, sing, study, and sit at our cottage and look at the woods for days. It can find ways to fill my time.

But what I'm having trouble with is finding purpose in what I do to fill my time.

I'm finding that I deeply miss the purpose that work brought to my daily life.

To be clear, I'm not missing the work. Not at all.

Nada. Zilch. Zero.

To hear the phrase "911, what is your emergency?" still kinda makes me cringe.

I don't miss the work. I do plan on going back to it as a retiree, working part time for extra money and such, but I really don't miss it.

What I do miss is the purpose I had in getting up, getting dressed, and driving to a place to do a job that I'd done for many years. I miss feeling needed and a part of a larger whole. I miss feeling part of a team, if that makes sense.

It seems that purpose is my word-du-jour. My go-to for when I try to explain the answer to the ubiquitous question.... "So, how's retirement going?"

It seems to me that purpose is a vital component to life.

It seems that purpose is a vital ingredient in fighting depression.

It seems that a lack of purpose makes it hard to get up in the morning.

I also miss the comrade of co-workers and friends.

Even if work relationships don't develop into deep, abiding friendships (some do, and of those I'm fairly envious), there is a relationship with co-workers that is unique in our lives.

Co-workers spend a lot of time together. Often, more than we spend with our own families.

After many years, the space and context that co-workers take up in our lives becomes a lot like family.

Part of (probably ALL of) whatever pleasure or joy I had going to work was in seeing and being with the people that I worked with.

Knowing I was respected and, yes, loved, is something I hadn't expected to miss as much as I do.

Helping, guiding, and listening to, and just caring for the people I worked with was fulfilling on a level I didn't realize I'd miss.

(To fully transparent, at this point in writing, I'm crying like a 2nd-grader in the school cafeteria that lost his lunch money.)

All of this is a part of the purpose that I've lost in retirement.

Work (the job itself, doing the things).

Friends (daily banter and chatter with human beings).

Family (talking things out, sharing burdens, dissing on callers, bitching about polices, talking about goals and dreams and kids).

Someone should do a frickin' psychological workshop as part of retirement planning. Let people know what they're getting into. It's not all green fields and lollipops and rainbows and unicorns.

Some of it is kinda like a desert, where you lose sense of direction.

(I mean, its not all bad either! I'm writing from a spot with a touch of depression, I realize that, so understand..... I'm not sorry I retired! Far from it! I'm just trying to find my footing on this new trail.)

My wife is a dear, and she is doing her best to try to help me figure out my next steps. She has been very patient and accommodating. She loves me dearly.

I did have a few well-meaning retirees give me some pre-retirement advice, but to be honest, most of it was not helpful. It was what they did, and how they navigated their retirement.

But, this is my journey. My road. My trail.

So, this was more of a venting journal entry than anything else. I really don't even know what to do with it.

I guess I just keep on moving forward. Looking for new purpose. A reason to get up in the morning.

(I will, in all likelihood, see you work-peeps pretty soon, when I start my volunteer time in the Comm Center. Until then..... happy trails?

One can hope!)